i thought these were funny as hell and i wanted to share:

 

  CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 am. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother.
He took care of everything." The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power!
Tell me his name!"
Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly,
Peter, Peter, the something eater."
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PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
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MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's f**king
Goofy."
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Did you know..Captain Hook died from jock itch.
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One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex. "What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said,
"Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show
you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp,"What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan

my homework that is due by wendsday as there is no school on Monday:

1. get a blank sketchbook for introduciton to fiction
2. write a paragraph about what i would like to be taught in literature by tomorrow
3. read chapter one in my communications textbook
4. read pages 1033-1043 (i think i copied the pages down wrong!!) about the critical themes in lit book
5. read short story "cathedral"
   
6. read chapter 1 in nutrition book
7. read chapters one and two in anatomy/physiology
8. have taught myself chemistry and finished reading the entire (teach yourself chemistry) textbook
   
9. take the quiz on chemistry
10. read over or watch the videos/text for introduction to blackboard/webct for nutrition/ a/p
11. take the blackboard/webct orientation quizzes for nutrition and a/p
12. read the short story for fiction titled "a/p"
13. oh. and every chapter that i read, i need to take detailed notes for. every story i read, i need to take notes for.

too much hw assigned in two days. im spazzing. but it will take all weekend to do. if i didnt have a holiday weekend, would i really be able to get it all done??

so. im in the pbcc library right? and im tired. like. i was falling asleep at the desk in my anatomy/physiology lab. so on break i went to the vending machines outside the class to get a moutain dew. but the damn thing wouldnt take my dollars!! *screams at machine in frustration* so i settled for gettin a grapefruit juice by dole. i figured, the sour taste is bound to wake my ass up. but. i noticed that it had expired may 17, 2007. notice that its august right now. >.> i drank half of it while munching on my honeycomb cereal that i wisely brought with me. :D

this morning sucked. well. kinda. last night i got home from mike and beccas and tried to hang out with my dad who was leaving today. i wont see him again for 2 more weeks. but i wound up falling asleep on the couch for somereason. so. i went to bed and listened to music. thing is that i couldnt sleep. i tossed and turned till 2am. i was freaking out since i set my alarm to wake me up at 7ish. ahhh~

i actually left the house at 7:40am. my class started at 8. i was taking robyn's advice and planning for traffic. well. i was expecting pbcc parking chaos. i completely forgot that the new elementary school that opened up next to my house opens at 8 so traffic was bad trying to go north on military on the west side of military. then traffic gummed up on lantana and congress. i pulled right into a nice spot in front of the old science buildings but it was VERY packed for 8am. it was worse later in the day. its 4pm and the lots are empty almost. i COULD move my car to some place closer to my last class. but why waste the gas moving it 500yds? i can just walk it. walking doesnt cost me money. $.$

all in all. im freaking out about anatomy/physiology. its going to be a bitch. alot of homework. and why the hell am i taking it anyway? its not like im INTENDING to go into the medical field. its just a MAYBE that i might decide to be a massage therapist or a healer. O.o

but at least i have my literature and introduction to fiction to keep me happy. as soon as i walked in the teacher for fiction insisted i take some toilet paper off the roll. and then we had to tell a number of things about ourselves based on how many sheets of paper we got. xD it was hilarious.
dude looks like my 5th grade teacher too. but its going to be fun. we're going to watch pulp fiction as a class later on and we watched a simpsons episode in class today.
the point was to tell that everyone has a story and the trick is to weave the observations together. etc etc etc.
im just entertained by the mess i got myself in.

• A/P = bitch
• fiction = fun!
• lit = dry but better than a/p
• a/p lab = more interesting than the a/p normal lecture >_<

ive got interpersonal communication up next and i cant think of that NOT goign well. :D so. yeah. ive got so much hw to do.
*spazzes*
why the hell am i in the library on a comp anyway when i could be napping or doing hw??????

*leaves*

blah blah blah. went to bed at 4am. woke up at 6 to have the dogs whining, jumping and clawing at my pocket doors wanting to be let in.

in the past month theyve left a dingleberry on my sheets and yesterday one of them puked on my bed. unforgivable. so they disturbed my sleep for quite a while. little tards. . .

puttered around online, posted in forums, wrote alot about the weird dream i had last night in my book of mirrors and just found out that the party i was supposed to go to tonight was canceled. so here i am sniffing around tv-links to find something to route to my tv to watch with my dad.

blah blah blah.

its good to be home on a friday night. especially after a VERY stressful week and weekend.

 

TGIF!